Flying Dreams!

Maybe I really should be saying flying night mares, but I hate saying it, because I hate nightmares!
I had so many growing up, and a lot that were repeating ones, even went through a patch where I would wake up every night and my mother would have to take me back to bed, tuck me in and the magic thing was the kiss she would give me!
I wonder if she can remember that??

Well this time it was not me, it was Tullula...
But to get woken up by such sadness in her voice really hurt me to a level I did not imagine possible!
That little body, waking up in the middle of the night with tear, crying for me.

She woke up and I went to her, and she said;
"momy you fly away and you lost me"
when she said that I fly away she had her arms wide open like and airplane.

I took her in my arms,and joked that I had found her again, but that did not console her.
So I just acknowledged her sadness, and how scared she must of been...

Sure its not much of a night mare, and the whole dilemma did not last long...but the real sadness is that in that first year and a half when I was deep down in my dark hole, many a time did I think of doing just that...packing a bag and flying away, leaving every one behind! I would even go out for walks at night, not knowing where I was going, but just hoping I would walk, walk and never stop, never look back...
Stephen would let me go, I guess not knowing what to do about it, not able to do much with a sleeping baby in the house and I think trying to respect my space, but I am sure he was scared, scared I would not come back...Truth is I never got very far...I am scared in the dark alone after my trauma!!!
Yet I did think it...And today to see how sad she would be to loose me hurt me to know that I even was able to have that slight thought of walking away and leaving her!
Now all I want to do is hold her tight and never let her go....

So that's what I did, sitting in the dark on her little bed in the bus, holding her tight and knowing that I will never be able to leave her, that I hope to always be right her for her when she has a horrible dream. to let her know that I am not going anywhere without her!