Flying Dreams!

Maybe I really should be saying flying night mares, but I hate saying it, because I hate nightmares!
I had so many growing up, and a lot that were repeating ones, even went through a patch where I would wake up every night and my mother would have to take me back to bed, tuck me in and the magic thing was the kiss she would give me!
I wonder if she can remember that??

Well this time it was not me, it was Tullula...
But to get woken up by such sadness in her voice really hurt me to a level I did not imagine possible!
That little body, waking up in the middle of the night with tear, crying for me.

She woke up and I went to her, and she said;
"momy you fly away and you lost me"
when she said that I fly away she had her arms wide open like and airplane.

I took her in my arms,and joked that I had found her again, but that did not console her.
So I just acknowledged her sadness, and how scared she must of been...

Sure its not much of a night mare, and the whole dilemma did not last long...but the real sadness is that in that first year and a half when I was deep down in my dark hole, many a time did I think of doing just that...packing a bag and flying away, leaving every one behind! I would even go out for walks at night, not knowing where I was going, but just hoping I would walk, walk and never stop, never look back...
Stephen would let me go, I guess not knowing what to do about it, not able to do much with a sleeping baby in the house and I think trying to respect my space, but I am sure he was scared, scared I would not come back...Truth is I never got very far...I am scared in the dark alone after my trauma!!!
Yet I did think it...And today to see how sad she would be to loose me hurt me to know that I even was able to have that slight thought of walking away and leaving her!
Now all I want to do is hold her tight and never let her go....

So that's what I did, sitting in the dark on her little bed in the bus, holding her tight and knowing that I will never be able to leave her, that I hope to always be right her for her when she has a horrible dream. to let her know that I am not going anywhere without her!

Twenty Dollars Later!

That's the price to pay!
A few weeks ago I wrote this and well what I ended up doing is going back to see my psychiatrist! 
I used to see her on a fortnightly basis when I was dealing with Post Natal Depression and Anxiety/Panic Attacks I was having!
But after going to the see my Doctor, and bluntly saying I was depressed, she said that really I did not have all the symptoms of depression and maybe all I needed was to talk to someone! Ok, after all I'm not super keen on taking a pill every day for any sort of reason (yet I do take some things).

So here I am again, sitting in this chair, saying as much as I can in an hours session. Probably getting carried away at times as I tell my very long stories! Then every now and then, I cry and she hands me the tissues!
That sight kinda makes me smile inside! She must do that a lot, hand the tissues over!!!
I talk and talk, about what I miss, the things that are all wrong in my life, how I feel about this and that, the relationships I don't have, the friendships I miss...The way of the Europeans (no offence, but we are a particular breed), and the things that I do love about living in Australia!
Sure I complain about my partner and even mother in law (we have not been getting along AT all for a year now) it saddens me...But I just need to talk and talk!!!
I know people here, but reality is that I don't have friends I can open up to, so this is my outlet!
My $20 bitching time, my $20 pity party and someone to listen, how great is that?
Sometimes we just need to let it all out! I do have a Diary, have had one since I was 12. It used to be a wonderful outlet for me, to write and write! But these days I find it hard to write, when I have someone lying right next to me in bed! And reality is I need a person, to talk to and listen to me!
So $20 will be just fine for now!!!